Unloaded
by Andrivette
Summary: A series of Yusuke headcanons/drabbles.
1. Thinking

I don't like thinking back. There isn't a lot of good crap back there, you know? I guess anybody that's lived can say that for something, but some people like reminiscing. Me? I'm not one of them.

I'm not much for the future, either. Looking forward pisses me off. Everything I care about's right here. It's not like I want to think about how everything's gonna change. I'm not scared of much—and you better not tell anyone this—but the thought of thinking about the future scares me sometimes.

When I was still a brat, aging was something I hated. I didn't want to grow up and get all wrinkly and weak and defenseless. I didn't want anyone having to take care of me. It pissed me off, the thought of getting old. But I never thought that I'd be here, either. I never thought about the fact that maybe I might never get old, that maybe I'd have to watch everyone around me do it and be left out in the dark.

It fucking sucks, you know.

So I'd rather think about the past, 'cause one day that's gonna be all I have. I feel like an old-timer already when I start thinking like that, but I don't give a shit. I'm not trying to feel right now, I'm just thinking.

I'm thinking about my mom passed out beside the toilet, how I'm yelling at her because I'm kinda scared I guess, and I want her to wake up. It doesn't matter because she doesn't. I'm thinking how I laid down trying to figure out if she was still breathing and smelling the gross mix of vodka and vomit on breath, and how I dragged her with all the strength in my little six-year-old body back to the living room. I remember seeing Keiko the next day when I wandered outside while my mom was still asleep and pushing her on the swings. I was pretty strong from dragging my mom out of the bathroom, you know, so Keiko liked it when I pushed her on the swings because she'd always go pretty high. I remember how hearing her laugh when I pushed her on those swings was the best thing in my whole damn day.

One day, I guess we're gonna have kids of our own and I'll probably push them on the swings, too. I bet hearing them laugh is gonna be the best thing in my whole damn day until the day they get old and die, too, and then I guess I'll push their kids on the swings, and their kids, too.

And there I go, feeling again.

You know, I guess the past and the future aren't that much different, so I don't know why I bother thinking about them at all. I think I've had enough thinking for one night. I think I'm just gonna pull Keiko a little closer, even though she's reading a book and she's probably gonna say my name in that annoyed way, and I'm gonna tell her I love her again, because just living right now is all I really want to do.


	2. Stuff That Matters

Just 'cause a man's a man doesn't mean he's smart. I'm not gonna pretend I'm smart. Especially not booksmart. But I know I'm not dumb, either. If there's anything Grandma taught me, it's to be smart about the stuff that matters.

People are all so confused and stupid about stuff because they're confused. They're really just confusing themselves. That's why I don't think too hard. Maybe I'm not the person you should ask to judge right and wrong, 'cause not many people agree, but whether it's good or bad, I know the important thing is the people you care about, 'cause they don't last forever. You could lose them any day, any time. I didn't used to think about stuff like that before, you know. Not when I was younger. Heck, I thought I was invincible, and you know where that got me? Face-down on the pavement.

I saw a lot in only eighteen years. Four if you're not counting the crap before I died, which was at least a little less crazy than the stuff after it. I almost lost everything, and it's only through dumb luck I didn't. It's that kind of stuff that makes you wake up a little. But you know what sucks the most? I still want to run away.

Not the kind of running away like running from a fight. The facts of life aren't something you can sock in the face and forget about. They hover over you, laughing at you, and it makes me sick to my stomach. It pisses me off so much I gotta go into the woods somewhere and just scream about how much I hate it because I don't want anyone to see me like that. That's what happens when I can't escape what I feel. I wish I could just kick its ass, but there's no way. Sometimes I even just wish someone would show up that I could beat the crap out of. I get restless like I've always been, except it's not anyone's fault anymore. I don't have anyone to blame.

But when all that passes, I realize the world's still turning. I still have the best girl around and the best and only friends I've ever had, the friends that've had my back and fought next to me. I'm not alone yet. So I'm just gonna kick my _own_ ass instead, because I've learned sometimes in life that's what you have to do. Sometimes you gotta get your ass up out of bed and man the damn ramen stand no matter how you feel because the only way to get somewhere is to put one foot in front of the other.

And just walk.


	3. Faith

"This is strange."

"Yeah?" I pressed closer, burying my face in the scent of the flowery shampoo that clung to her hair. It was the kind of scent I figured Kurama would appreciate.

"Because you're here," she muttered. "It didn't hit me until now how rare it really is."

I could feel my face burning. I knew she was right. Keiko was good at that. A hell of a lot better than me.

"Yeah, I know," I said. I never had to wait on Keiko, because she was always there waiting for me. She thought playing with me as kids was her benefit, and she didn't even know it was always mine. When I was with her, I could forget about all the screwed-up stuff in my life. As long as she was smiling, I could just bask in the glow of how good she was and feel a little less dirty about myself. Every day, she did that for me.

What had I ever done for her?

"I'm sorry." The words just dropped out of my mouth, and there was no point in wanting to take them back, but the way she rolled over and stared at me had my heart jumping in my chest.

"I know you don't care about me saying it, 'cause I've said a lot of things. I'm trying to show you, I swear," and I had been running around all day, cleaning up and making her dinner and keeping the TV down to volume 10 so she could study in quiet, "but I mean it."

She stopped staring and pressed her face to my chest, and I felt like I could breathe again.

"You don't have to be sorry," she said. "Just stay with me."

I didn't really feel forgiven, but maybe it was better that way. Maybe I needed her to keep me on my toes. Maybe I needed to fight for it like I'd never fought for anything.

"Hey, I love you, Keiko."

She sighed against my skin. "I love you, too," and that was all I needed.


End file.
